MBAs

Fully expected it to be recycled Boost Mobile, complete with the chirp.

I knew a guy whose dad was a high-up at a well-known snack company. We got some rotations of experimental beef jerky.

I have a friend who was a card dealer.

Most places won’t take higher than a $20, so on the rarest occasions that I do carry cash, that’s it. Trivia: $50s are considered bad luck in Vegas, so don’t be handing those out.

Get a one-on-one trainer, talk to your vet. Don’t take the internet’s advice beyond this point.

I think the problem is that you went to Harvard. I get what you’re saying, but the non-elite don’t really care. We can’t afford international vacations and yacht clubs either. Don’t get me wrong, liberalism is its own disease, but you met it on a whole other level.

He also goes by Mark Normand.

“Salt is making a comeback.”

—Mother in law, after a quadruple bypass.

I’ll toss in a voice menu with no option for buttons and mashing zero doesn’t get you a rep.

“You Spin Me Round (Like A Record).” You know exactly what it’s from you degenerates.

Chicken wire?

Go suck a railroad spike, ya jabroni.

B&N is a weird example too because they have a publishing house, which saved them from the fate of Borders who had to rely entirely on moving products without a fallback.

I went to pick up a prescription the next morning. It was mysteriously free.

Bro out here playing the fool’s Oregon Trail.

You can opt out IF you find the hidden Mickey.

Shoutout amphetamine, awesome little app.

September comes early

Used to live near Marie Callander’s restaurants. They had a German chocolate pie, which I want to say had a layer of solid chocolate, then a chocolate custard/coconut shavings filling, and you could have either whipped cream or meringue on it with mini chocolate chips sprinkled on top (I always opted for meringue). Best pie I’ve ever had.