cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/35593507

This post has been written with the intention of starting a conversation surrounding the discourse about dark romance, because I am tired of seeing opinions that are pure black and white from both sides. Feel free to disagree or agree with this post, I am only here to share my personal opinion.

What is Dark romance? I think that at this point most of us know what it is --a piece of fiction that is created from writing and/or drawing with the intention of exploring darker and more taboo fantasies. This can range from anything mild like bondage to something more extreme like sexual assault.

First I would like to say this: Our fantasies do not always align with our desires. You may fantasize about having someone put a loaded gun to your head because for some reason it entices you, but that does not mean that you wish it would happen in real life.

“But why would somebody fantasize about being assaulted?” Some might ask. I find the answer to be not 100% clear. For instance, somebody who has been assaulted before, at any point in their life, might find comfort in such media for the reason that at any point they could put a stop to it (I.e. closing the book and not engaging with it anymore). But what about those who haven’t been assaulted? The brain is complicated and we can not always understand why we like or dislike certain things, and that includes the media we engage with. So, while for somebody who has gone through such an experience we could see why they may gravitate towards that type of content, in the former case it is harder to explain where it could possible come from. But I might have an idea as to why people who have never been in that situation might still gravitate to these types of books. It might just be the idea of danger that you could be in but not actually being in it that makes you chase such media. It is for the same reason that some people have the horror genre as their favorite when it comes to movies. It is about false danger that you could remove yourself from at any moment if it is too much to handle.

Are there lines in Dark romance that just should not be crossed? I believe so, and the perfect example is what happened to author Tori Woods who wrote a book about a man who had been attracted and fantasized about the female main character since she was 3 years old, waiting for said main character to turn 18 so he could inflict said fantasies onto her when the dude had constantly been around her since she was a child. That, along with what she said at the dedication page, has led to her arrest in Australia.

In other words: The line that shouldn’t be crossed is children.

What I would personally like to see more from the Dark romance authors:

My biggest gripe with dark romance is the fact that female main characters tend to be barely legal, or that some start as almost being legal (like 17) and once they become 18 it is okay to do whatever the male character has fantasized about doing to them (I’m looking at you Penelope Douglas). While “Haunting Adeline” by H.D. Cartlon is not that great in my opinion, one of the things that I had liked about it was that both characters were over the age of 25.

Now, most Dark romance authors provide trigger warnings, but there are instances where there are some that are either missing, being misused or not having any trigger warnings at all (which is the worst one). I would like for these authors to have sensitivity readers and to research so they could provide the proper trigger warnings that the readers need before engaging with their book. I have to used H.D.Cartlon once again because it is the first one that comes to mind. In “Where’s Molly?” one of the trigger warnings was that there is blood play and though I thought that I could handle it, when I got to the first scene I couldn’t stomach it and closed the book. The author had warned me about this and I could have chosen not to engage with it. I did engage, did not like the scene and simply separated myself from the book.

THAT is the point of a trigger warning. To give you the option of engaging or not engaging with the content the producer provides. And say that you didn’t know if you could handle it, the content warning had been provided beforehand so you wouldn’t be too put off by it.

Should people shame the genre? Whenever I think about the discussions surrounding dark romance I tend to wonder what people who practice bdsm, especially on the more extreme side, think about it. For the point that I would like to bring I would genuinely like to hear the opinion of somebody who is in the bdsm community because I feel like their point of view would add more to the discussion. (So if you are there, please do say if you think I’m wrong. As I said, the point of the post is to spark a discussion)

The reason as to why I am bringing up bdsm is for the reason that the community also has extreme sides. Some people practice rape play. Should we say then that by acting out a scenario of assault they are romanticizing and normalizing it? The people who are partaking in the act are real and why would you want to play out something that millions have suffered because of such an experience? In the case of bdsm, there is consent, it was talked about before-hand with a safe word for the two or more people taking part in the play to use and there likely had been constant check ins to be sure that everyone is alright. But, it’s also enacting a fantasy. And dark romance can also provide this but in another way. Both environments provide a safe way to explore said fantasy with the option to disengage at any point, for bdsm by using the safe word and for dark romance by simply stopping to read.

Is there a problem with the consumption of dark romance? Unfortunately, this is where this post might be seen as being shameful. My take on this is that, it is not the authors themselves that are producing this type of content that are the problem (except with the instance in which they seem to be romanticizing grooming and pedophilia), but rather the way in which said content is being consumed.

There is nothing wrong in engaging with sexual content. Like with all things, even if it is badly made there can be fun in it. But arriving at the point of refusing to read something if it doesn’t have smut, no matter how little, the point is that there needs to be smut in it, sounds concerning.

And unfortunately I do think that a double standard is taking place in this community.

Say that you had recommended a video game to man, a game with a story so powerful and heartwarming that it moved you to tears, with artwork so amazing it pulled you and locked you into the world that the dev(s) promised you in the game description. Now, say that said man hits you with “Is there a sex scene in it? I won’t play if there isn’t any.” You’d think that man has a problem.

So, if that man has a problem for not playing a game if it doesn’t provide sexual content, why do readers who also only consume content alike think there is nothing wrong with it? Is it because it is fiction? Video games are also fiction. Is it because books aren’t hurting any real people because said people do not exist? Video games also have people that do not exist so they also technically aren’t hurting anybody.

The thing with sexual content is that it provides dopamine and while I can definitely see that it would be easier to develop an addiction by playing or watching because they require passive actions, why do we think that written smut, while possibly harder to develop an addiction to, could not have the same effect? We know that exposure to sexual content can have damaging effects on the consumer as well and that is especially the case when it is the only thing that somebody partakes in. But why is this not also applied to books? Sexual content is the only thing that some are asking for, to a point of refusing to read anything that doesn’t have any “spice”.

But what do you think? Is it really that black and white or is there nuance when it comes to Dark romance?

TLDR: Dark romance is a gray discussion about morality and fantasies that has a right to exist without being shamed but also to be criticized where it is needed, and while the consumption of it is not a problem, the over consumption might be.